Ringing in the new year

Year of the Pig
Travis Holland tells how to ring in the Chinese New Year

The Chinese New Year is a 15 day celebration, and it starts today. This is the Year of the Pig, so everyone needs to make it a good one for our favorite cuddly farm animal. To do the holiday justice, you should be well prepared.

Day One: Don’t eat meat unless you want a short and unhappy life.

Day Two: Be nice to dogs and give them a double scoop of Kibbles and Bits. Today is every dog’s birthday. Married daughters should visit their parents.

Day Three: Today is not a good day to visit. Everyone will be irritable from the fried food and relationships could suffer. Steer clear of friends and family or you’ll have some seriously bad luck.

Day Four: See Day Three.

Day Five: Today is Po Wu. Shoot fireworks. Don’t cut your hair unless you want to have the worst year ever.

Day Six: Pray and resume visiting friends and family. Jam your favorite Chinese music.

Day Seven: Today is going to be busy for farmers. First, they have to display all their produce. Then they have to make a drink from vegetables. After that they have to drink it. Today is also the birthday of all mankind, so order your cake well in advance. Eat noodles if you want a long life and raw fish if you care to be successful.

Day Eight: Sleep off Day Seven and have a family reunion.

Day Nine: Make your best offering to the Jade Emperor. Continue sleeping off Day Seven.

Day Ten: Today invite everyone you know to dinner, and feed them the best, most expensive food you can.

Day Eleven: Repeat Day Ten, but do it even bigger.

Day Twelve: Day Eleven x 2.

Day Thirteen: By now everyone is tired of the good food. Eat only rice and mustard greens.

Day Fourteen: Prepare for tomorrow’s blowout party.

Day Fifteen: Today is the lantern festival. Decorated lanterns will be everywhere, and people will run through the streets in paper dragons. This is also the Chinese Valentine’s Day, so cards and flowers may be expected of you.